Baby Bump?

Dear Shreck –

I am a younger woman (late 20s), professional and single, who carries her weight in one place:  my belly.  Despite many workout and diet plans, I haven’t been able to lose this paunch, and it has resulted in many people believing I’m pregnant.

Strangers in shopping malls, at professional seminars and in hotels while traveling will ask me when I am due. My usual response is, “I’m not pregnant. I’m just chubby and need to hit the gym.”  The last straw was last week when I got an autograph at a concert that said “Enjoy your new growing life!”

Any thoughts? –  Bulge, Not Baby

 

Dear Bulge,

I definitely understand where you’re coming from.  It seems like forever ago that I was in decent shape. Now, my feet call me every once in a while to see how I’ve been.  Here are some helpful tips to take care of that bump:

1) Wear baggy clothing. Sure, you won’t be showing off some of your other assets as much, but it’s hard to tell if you’re sporting a keg when you’ve got 10 extra yards of fabric bunching up around your mid-drift.  Added bonus, wear something black. It’s supposed to be slimming.

2) Respond.  When someone asks when you’re due, you’ve got two options.  Either go into a long, drawn out story about how your baby daddy walked out, and you have no idea how you’re going to take care of this child (that’s right, guilt the heck out of them. It cleanses the soul.); or alternatively you can very loudly express that you are just bloated, and that you don’t appreciate them bringing up your cramps in such a public place (this works best for guys).

3) Eating disorder. There’s a lot to be said for bulimia these days.  Sure, your doctor may bring up all these negative side effects, but he’s missing the real point, isn’t he:  you’ve got a decade old food baby brewing, and you need it gone!

If none of that fits your style, ask a nutritionist. I went to business school

-Shreck

*Note: I am by no means a doctor. I can’t even say stethoscope without screwing it up.  I do, however, know that eating disorders are NOT an actual, healthy weight loss alternative.  If you are dumb enough to read this and think “gee, this comic seems credible”, then please be aware that these are jokes, and not actual plausible advice.