Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend some time with one of my closest friends (for almost 25 years…man I’m old!) and his wife-to-be, as we needed to grab suits for another friend’s upcoming wedding.  As we relived some of our childhood memories, talked about some of our favorite flicks, and constantly berated each other like all guys do routinely, his fiance finally turned and made the statement that I have heard from every woman I’ve ever known:  “I will never understand guys!”

Ladies, today is your lucky day.

Here’s the thing…and I know you’ve heard it before…but guys are SIMPLE. The misunderstanding comes from the fact that you want to make us more difficult, because no woman likes to think that her man is so open-faced, up front, and one-dimensional.  We’re easy to understand, once you get over that hurdle.  But, to appease you, I will give as detailed, in depth, and convoluted an answer to some of your favorite go-to’s so that you can understand our simplicity in it’s most complex form.


Why do men love Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Snipes, Van Dam, Willis, Segal, Bruce Lee, and Chuck Norris?  I constantly hear statements like “this movie is so stupid and predictable!” or “all this movie consists of is 2 hours of guys shooting, fighting, and saying stupid one liners! How can you like this?”

THAT’S THE POINT!  My father used to say “simple things amuse simple minds”, and the reality is that when it comes to entertainment, we like simplicity. If I have to think too hard about what’s going on, then it ceases to be entertainment, and becomes something more akin to work.  Your chick flicks with their relationship innuendos, interwoven story lines, and complex characters confuse the heck out of us! I like the fact that in my movie, every 3 and a half minutes, someone says something like “geht to da choppah!” and throws a grenade into an oncoming swarm of poorly trained mercenaries.  I get an easy to follow story line (good guy is asked to help other good guys who are in a bad situation with bad people, some plot twist includes a woman who has gotten herself in way over her head in the mess and wants out, plans change, and now we need to fight our way out, good guy wins, there are many explosions, and the woman falls for the guy. Even I could write this crap…), guns, knives, other miscellaneous weapons, awesome kung fu, and 2 hours where you’re probably not sitting there trying to “help” entertain me.


My buddy’s fiance is in awe of the fact that we have been best friends for almost 25 years, and yet we also have had a couple of the bloodiest and most ridiculous fights I can recall.  My wife also seems to be confused by the fact that most of my closest friends have, at one point or another, been in brawls with me.  In the case of my best bud, we both gave up after we’d lost enough blood to warrant an American Red Cross visit.

Why is it that guys fight even their closest friends?  This is so simple, I can’t believe I have to explain it!  Pecking order.

If you look at a group of guys (any group of any guys), there is almost always one person who is the obvious “leader” of the group.  Now, I’m not saying that he is the most important, or the only decision maker, or that it’s some sort of anarchy…what I’m saying is that when suggestions are tossed out for what to do, there is one guy who typically is the “yeah, that sounds good, let’s do that” guy, and the conversation stops because the decision has been finalized.  Sometimes in friendships, this is an obvious choice. One guy is OBVIOUSLY the one who is in charge. Sometimes, though, there are two people who vie over that position. That tends to chaff after a while, and usually sparks and argument, and then a fight.  After that fight, you’ll have a clear picture of who is the “leader”.

Animalistic, I know.

But it works! I’m not saying we intentionally go out looking for the pack-leader, and just fight anyone…but we as guys like to know that someone has things under control if crap goes down.  Best to establish who it is right off the bat, and do it in an open, face-to-face model.

Or we could try your method, ladies: face-to-face we’ll pretend to be best friends, and that everything is fine. Then when we get home, we’ll complain to you that “Gary is such a slob, and his whole life is a mess because of that one time he did whatever it was with whoever” and then call up our other close friend and backstab Gary until we feel like we’ve vented enough that we can pretend to respect Gary again…that seems healthy.


Men are typically comfortable with ourselves, meaning everything with ourselves. We aren’t usually the kind to look in a mirror and worry that our hips are looking a bit big, and that blemish on our right cheek needs to be covered.  We’re all natural.

Farts = natural. Poop = natural. Sweat = natural. Scratching when and where it itches = natural.

The only thing we really find FUNNY about stuff like that is that you ladies overreact to it! We think it’s amazing that when we tell you we had to flush 3 times to evacuate the toilet, you crinkle your nose, look absolutely horrified, and say “you are so gross! I hope you washed your hands!”.


This one is easy too.  Look at what we’ve got to work with.  We’re not pretty…we’re typically covered in hair (except sometimes where it matters, and we go bald. Not cool).  We grow bellies. We often have callouses and scars from hard work and harder play.

Ladies, you’re beautiful. Everywhere, all the time. Even when you don’t wear makeup, and you just got done working out, you are a work of art.  We guys can truly appreciate beauty, we just don’t know what to do with it most of the time. For us, if it’s not food and it doesn’t explode, then it’s pretty much foreign.  So we’re mesmerized by the fact that you’re naturally that good looking.



Because you are.


Until next time,