Coffee | One Life to Laugh


Something happens every day to me that I still find to be one of the most unusual and amazing things I have ever experienced.  Whether I go to the office, I’m at the doctor, at breakfast…it doesn’t matter.  Someone eventually will offer me coffee. And I will turn it down, saying “No thanks, I don’t drink”.

Their face will twist, their eyes growing wide, and searching to see if I’m telling yet another joke. Then they will look at me incredulously as if I just grew a second head and told them my real name was Patricia, and I’ve been hiding out in the witness protection program for the last 28 years after witnessing a horrific event during my infancy.  “How can you not drink coffee?!” they’ll ask. “I couldn’t even FUNCTION without coffee.”

This has always just amazed me. It is true only of coffee: the socially accepted norm is to be addicted to caffeine.  That’s it, plain and simple.  If someone offered me a cigarette and I answered “I don’t smoke”, they’d shrug and light up their own.  If someone offered me a beer, and I said “No thanks, I don’t drink”, it would be a simple “Good for you!” and they’d go on with their life.  But coffee…to not drink coffee seems to be the first sign of a zombie-apocalypse- level disease, that could bring about the end of society as we know it.


Here is the thing: coffee is a bitter tasting substance that most don’t enjoy the flavor of their first try.  In fact, I know several habitual coffee drinkers who have to put a pound of sugar and flavored cream into their Colombian Blend before they can stomach it.  Why bother?! If you hate brussel sprouts, you more than likely won’t shove them into your face every night for dinner just because they provide essential vitamins and minerals. For me, if it tastes like something I might have stepped in, I won’t imbibe it.  It’s kind of a rule.

People tell me that they were hooked on coffee because they needed the caffeine to get through a rough day…I can get that. But why coffee? Mountain Dew has just as much caffeine, and it taste’s a little better.  There are energy drinks out there that can help.  Or (I hope you’re sitting down) WATER is packed with everything you need to recharge. But, hey, burnt water sifted through ground-up roasted beans is cool too.

The thing that I think amazes me most is how much people will PAY for a cup of coffee.  Apparently Starbucks has the world’s greatest dirty hot water, and people will pay upwards of $6 or more for their quad grande six pump vanilla one inch steamed breve Americano.  No wonder you need the caffeine! I’d need a nap too, after having to come up with a name like that for COFFEE.

Whatever it is that makes this magical brew such a favorite, I am well aware that people are so hooked on it that without it, they are basically just overgrown 2 year olds. In fact, there are some I know that aren’t sure what they’d do without coffee, but I’m convinced they’d do 25 to life in the state pen. I won’t judge if you need an espresso in order to be a socially acceptable human being…I just ask that, when I turn down coffee, you not treat me like I’ve just offered to do a strip tease in your establishment.  I’m well aware I don’t have the legs for it.

Until next time,