Leggings Are Not Pants

Leggings | One Life to Laugh

I have never claimed to be a fashion expert.  Heck, I’m the type of guy who buys a pair of jeans once every 2 years, and that’s just because they barely count as clothing after they’ve been through that much wear and tear.  I’ve never watched a fashion show, I don’t get clothing catalogs, and I have no idea what shoes will go best with your dress.

That being said, even I can spot some of the every-day fashion faux pas.

Here are a few of the things I see every day that I hope to never see again. Ever.  Just because something is trendy, doesn’t make it right.  If you know someone who does any of these things, please tell them it’s not okay. And if you do any of these things, please stop. For the love of everything right in this world, please stop.

Leggings are not pants.  I don’t care if you call them Jeggings, and they look like skinny jeans.  I don’t care if they’re black and cover you up. I don’t care if all of your friends are doing it.  Unless you are 5 years old, or on your way to volunteer to have your bottom half covered in plaster of paris to make a mold for a new prosthetic limb for your identical twin who suffered from a terrible magic show incident, leggings are not an acceptable covering for any public venue.  Look down right now.  If you can count the wrinkles in your knees, or see the varicose veins making a road-map across your lap, then you can’t “make a run to the store” like that. Get a skirt, or change into actual pants.

Sagging is not cool. I know you think you look like the coolest guy in the neighborhood with your Chico’s down around your knees and your Tweety Bird boxers hanging out for everyone to see, but I can pretty much guarantee you that showing your underwear in public stopped being cute when you switched into big-boy undies.  So stop it.  The reality is, sagging started in prison…no, not the most thug gangstas showing off how cool they were. It is a way for them to show other prisoners that they already have a prison boyfriend, and they’re not looking to cuddle with you tonight.  So, unless the appearance you’re trying to get across is that you’re unavailable for other gay men, sagging is not acceptable.   This goes for your plumbers, also…I live in an old house, and there are enough cracks in it. Leave yours where it belongs: out of sight.

Tears in your jeans make you stupid. I don’t mean this for all of you that legitimately tear your clothes by working in them.  Your claw hammer ripped a new hole in the front of your Carhartt’s, that’s cool with me.  But if you just spent $50 on a pair of jeans that were already shredded to look “pre-worn”, you’re an idiot.  I say that with all the love and respect I can muster.  You like to call them “distressed”, but the only thing in distress here is your common sense. Getting pre-ripped clothing, and paying extra for the “image” makes you a two-time loser:  first, for the fact that homeless people beat you to your “look”, and secondly because homeless people got a better deal on the clothes.

Socks with sandals.  This was NEVER okay. Ever.  My father even knows that this makes you look like you’re trying to embarrass yourself and your entire family every time you go to get the morning newspaper.  If you do this, stop it.

Sneakers with dress clothes. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Mister Rogers passed away, and he took this with him.  If you’re wearing a nice sweater, a suit, a blazer and dress pants…anything deemed “dressy”, your tennis-shoes should stay home.  It’s time to pull out the grown-up shoes, and look professional. High heels, some nice dress flats, fellas get your dockers out, or even penny loafers if it’s a nice polo and khakis day. But your sneakers make you look like you’re late for a Pee Wee’s Playhouse cosplay, and you’ve lost a ton of fashion points.

Muffin Tops / Shirtless fellas. This one is a little touchy, I know, but facts is facts.  If you’ve got a little extra jiggle around the middle, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s also nothing to flaunt.  Let’s face it, if part of you keeps moving after the rest of you has stopped, the last thing anyone wants is to publicize it.  It embarrasses you and everyone around you!  I’m fat, and I know I’m fat, and I’m not ashamed of being fat…but you won’t catch me mowing my lawn shirtless! Why? Because my neighbors don’t deserve that kind of punishment, no matter how late they played their music last night.  Slim down if you want to slim down, don’t if you don’t….but cover it if it needs covering!

I know, some of these are harsh. But if I claimed to be a nice guy in any part of the website, then I lied to you profusely.

Until next time,

Shreck