Halloween used to be my favorite holiday. Fun costumes, parties, and so much candy that even Walter Brimley “diabeetus” commercials can’t stem the flow. There is no other time of year that you can go up to strangers doors and threaten them in a mask, and they’ll give you candy. Trust me.
Notice that I said “used to be”. Halloween was the coolest holiday, but these days, the pizzazz is all gone! Halloween has become an almost useless tradition, and I think we should just go ahead and get rid of it.
Hear me out. There are several good reasons! First off, it used to be a great idea because it was an awesome and fun opportunity for the kids. But these days, people don’t take their kids out after dark. Now we have “Trunk or Treats” at the church parking lot, or Halloween parties at the public library, because no one can trust the guy that lives in the old bungalow on Werner Street, with the rusted out row-boat sitting in his front yard, because rumor has it he chooses one kid every year to kidnap and adopt into his “family”, and then trains them to be mercenary killers, later sending them back into corporate America in order to snub out big bank CEO’s, due to a vengeful passion fueled by his wife going into a mental institution after Fifth Third denied them a second mortgage.
So, people are crazy, and we don’t trust them giving our kids candy…so we take away the fun of begging for sweets from the neighbors. And because you’re never sure if they’re gunna come around, you always prepare for the crowds, so that your house isn’t egged or toilet papered when there is no candy left. Which means that on November 1st, you’re sitting there with a bowl of “fun sized” Snickers bars and wondering what went wrong with your life.
And speaking of “fun size”, I remember as a kid getting big candy bars! King Size the whole way, and handfuls of candies. Now they’ve got “fun size”…that’s not even ENJOYABLE! And what’s with these crazy people giving out pencils and stickers…this is Halloween you evil old hag! Break out the Baby Ruth’s, and let’s get to work!
Then, as we got older, Halloween was awesome for the costumes. Guys would dress up as whatever creepy ghoul or goblin they chose, or maybe a superhero…and young ladies would dress up as witches or princesses or whatever. Then all of a sudden, Halloween became a night for girls to dress in skimpy and revealing “clothes”, and men stopped dressing up, and started leering. And at first, that was (as the teenagers now say) “whatever”, because it’s their one night a year to dress up like a tramp. But now, we see that every Thursday. EVERY DAY IS HALLOWEEN…so why bother with an official day? If I want to see too much cleavage, too short a skirt, way too much makeup, and really terrible drunk flirting, I’ll go to Wal-Mart.
Finally, Halloween used to be a retail dream! Not only were there aisles just filled with candy, but there were costumes and yard decorations, and crazy gag gifts, and caramel apples, and all kinds of crazy things all October long. But now, that crap is in the middle of the aisles on discount in August, and by the time October rolls around, we’ve got a jolly old man in a red suit trying to cram Christmas down our throats before I’ve even started to dream about turkey! Wait your turn, fat boy! Christmas is a whole other bag of snot that I don’t care to delve into right now, so you just get back in your sleigh and pet some reindeer with your midget toy-makers. I’ve got candy to eat, and a Thanksgiving Feast to plan before I have to put up with your bell-ringers and “last minute” sales.
So, let’s just ditch Halloween. Our kids are all getting fat with the junk we’re shoveling into their faces the rest of the year anyway…maybe October 31st can be National Fasting Day, and give them something different for a change.
Think on it.