Daily One Liner Archive

A different one-liner every day of the week. Except for Sunday. Keepin’ the Sabbath holy.

Obituaries

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they said HOW the person died…

Constipated

I think I’m emotionally constipated…I haven’t given a crap in days!

Lions

I feel bad for lions at the zoo. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and left without you getting to eat them?

Insult To Injury

I think the easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing a cast…

Ke$ha

Ke$ha: weak music choice…strong password choice

Animal Abuse

I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials, just so she knows how good she has it…

Muffin Top

At what point does a “muffin top” become a “busted can of biscuits”?

Ussie

I just learned that a “selfie” with more than 1 person is called an “ussie”…if you need me, I’ll be burning my dictionaries and crying.

Social Media

When I was a kid, “social media” involved reading the graffiti on the stalls in public bathrooms….

Oblivious

Most people like me are oblivious…I’m glad I’m not one of them